My BFF lives in Irvine, California, and has been sending me emails to keep me updated on the situation with the SoCal fires. But of course, being the sarcastic "biatch" that he is, his updates are hardly what you’d expect. I just had to share them here.
And these are EXACTLY as he sent them to me, unedited in any way.
OK so its 9:25pm Pacific time, and the next wave of plagues has descended upon the real housewives of the O.C. The Hills of East Irvine are on fire and the residents of West Irvine (where we live) have just been told to stay at home and stay tuned to the news in case it becomes necessary to evacuate. We’ve already had drought, earthquakes, and power outages (last month when my mom visited) so it was timely that the earth catch fire. Locusts are forecast for tomorrow with a 20% chance of frog-filled hail and 30 days of night starting tomorrow. I am so sin-filled that escape is futile. Greetings from Hades!
2pm update – Delayed due to power outtages from the infernos
Fire still burning. I tried to lighten the mood by bringing the firefighters marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers, but was arrested. Pigs were spotted flying just north of San Diego, and residents of ‘The Hills’ have resorted to slinging saline-filled implants to combat the flames. Hate to be a plot spoiler but Bambi’s mom dies.
I apologize for not preparing a Wednesday update but I was taking advantage of the situation to smoke some salmon and make some bunny jerky. The fires have improved; some are even contained (because there is nothing left to burn). Thankfully FEMA has arrived and brought plenty of hurricane supplies so we’re good! The silver lining (besides the leftover smoke), is that the forest in front of our home is gone so now we can see the ocean from our second story window (or our neighbor’s house as THEY like to call it; details). Sadly, Woodsy the Owl has said ‘Give a hoot, don’t pollute’ for the last time as he succumbed to the flames, and Smoky the bear has been fired by the National Forestry Commission. Apparently, he wasn’t preventing forest fires. In fact, due to some repressed childhood memory involving pine oil and a woodchuck, Smoky has admitted to deliberately setting the fires with his crack pipe. The Forestry Commission has named Elsie the cow as it’s new spokesperson. Ms. Cow had long been the face of Borden products until they went soy. She has vowed to milk those fires out with her six super udders (two of them low fat and one strawberry flavored). We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming of "Backdraft" already in progress.
And that right there is WHY he’s my BFF.