the roof, the roof… October 27, 2007

My BFF lives in Irvine, California, and has been sending me emails to keep me updated on the situation with the SoCal fires. But of course, being the sarcastic "biatch" that he is, his updates are hardly what you’d expect. I just had to share them here.

And these are EXACTLY as he sent them to me, unedited in any way.

Monday 10/22/07
OK so its 9:25pm Pacific time, and the next wave of plagues has descended upon the real housewives of the O.C. The Hills of East Irvine are on fire and the residents of West Irvine (where we live) have just been told to stay at home and stay tuned to the news in case it becomes necessary to evacuate. We’ve already had drought, earthquakes, and power outages (last month when my mom visited) so it was timely that the earth catch fire. Locusts are forecast for tomorrow with a 20% chance of frog-filled hail and 30 days of night starting tomorrow. I am so sin-filled that escape is futile. Greetings from Hades!

Tuesday 10/23/07
2pm update – Delayed due to power outtages from the infernos
Fire still burning. I tried to lighten the mood by bringing the firefighters marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers, but was arrested. Pigs were spotted flying just north of San Diego, and residents of ‘The Hills’ have resorted to slinging saline-filled implants to combat the flames. Hate to be a plot spoiler but Bambi’s mom dies.

Thursday 10/25/07
I apologize for not preparing a Wednesday update but I was taking advantage of the situation to smoke some salmon and make some bunny jerky. The fires have improved; some are even contained (because there is nothing left to burn). Thankfully FEMA has arrived and brought plenty of hurricane supplies so we’re good! The silver lining (besides the leftover smoke), is that the forest in front of our home is gone so now we can see the ocean from our second story window (or our neighbor’s house as THEY like to call it; details). Sadly, Woodsy the Owl has said ‘Give a hoot, don’t pollute’ for the last time as he succumbed to the flames, and Smoky the bear has been fired by the National Forestry Commission. Apparently, he wasn’t preventing forest fires. In fact, due to some repressed childhood memory involving pine oil and a woodchuck, Smoky has admitted to deliberately setting the fires with his crack pipe. The Forestry Commission has named Elsie the cow as it’s new spokesperson. Ms. Cow had long been the face of Borden products until they went soy. She has vowed to milk those fires out with her six super udders (two of them low fat and one strawberry flavored). We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming of "Backdraft" already in progress.

And that right there is WHY he’s my BFF.

locusts & famine are next October 24, 2007

Normally I would post a spoken word piece on Wednesdays. Or some funny video. Or some stupid meme. Or just something utterly mindless and ridiculous to get over the mid-week hump. But today I am just not feeling it.

I am not feeling poetic or funny or stupid or mindless or ridiculous. Today all I am is worried.

I am worried about the fires in California.

I am worried because my employer is based in California. I am worried because seven of my coworkers have been evacuated from their homes over the past two days. One of them has two children under the age of two.

I am worried about my best friend and his life partner, who just relocated to Cali in June. I am worried because J is dealing with a serious illness and this event does not help his stress level. I am worried for his partner, T, who accepted a teaching position at one of the UC campuses, which is located in what is now an alert and (possible) evacuation zone.

I am worried for my blogger friends, Marta and QoD, who have their homes and loved ones to think about.

I am also scared. I am scared at the rage and fury of Mother Nature and how utterly powerless we are to stop her. I am scared for all the firefighters that are putting their lives at risk to try and contain this inferno. What about their families, their homes, their lives?

And the worst part is that there’s nothing I can do but think about them and worry and pray for their safety. I hate – HATE – not being able to do something, to "fix" things. It’s my nature to try and resolve things, find solutions, try to make things better. And I hate the feeling of helplessness that comes with knowing that there is really nothing I can do.

{sigh}